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Post by Donna on Dec 24, 2007 20:37:47 GMT -5
TheMoon was high and shining brightly.the wind was lightly blowing the air and Moon black fur was blowing in the breeze as he walk through the
forest.he was wondering how Howler was doing he hadn't seen him since he left.wishing he knew how he was doing.He missed him as he would all the other they are all his Family.
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Post by Fezzlynn on Dec 24, 2007 20:57:32 GMT -5
I'll post in italics. If i sound rude, it's not, it's just me doing my best not to sound rude. xD What was high and shining? Please don't forget to add little details.First, you need capital letters when starting a sentence.  And second, you need a space. Can you rephrase that and maybe put; The wind was lightly blowing instead of lightly blowing the air? And don't forget to put Moon's black fur. You need to either add a ; after he or add for after doing.Can you add onto that. It doesn't quite make sense. It needs a little bit more detail, like what did he do because he was wishing?This doesn't make sense either. Here's an example if I were to fix it; He missed him as if he would miss any other family member, for Howler was part of the family, too.
See how it makes a bit more sense? I know it's tough starting out, but you'll get there. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Howler couldn't take it. He sat up in the snow and flew toward the rain forest. It was warmer and wetter, but still cold for a rain forest. Shrugging, he kept on, drinking in familiar scents of home. He closed his eyes, knowing the rain forest step-for-step. Opening his eyes again, he saw the familiar shape of the underground stream. Eyes gleaming in the sun, he stopped, dipped his head, and lapped at the cold water. It seemed to seep into his hot fur, cooling him off. He stopped, breathing in the scents, until he caught something he'd scented before. He followed the scent, and saw Moon walking along, not knowing he was there. As his name stated, he gave out a long howl of greeting and ran forward, almost running into Moon's black fur. Hello! he panted, his face bright and eyes gleaming. |
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Post by Donna on Dec 24, 2007 21:34:42 GMT -5
Moon was thinking about when he had first meet Howler and he smile to himself of all the times that they had all done.Moon had come out to the
forest to hunt and think.He remember the pup in the wood as if it was yesterday.he didn't realize that he had stopped walking till he had looked up and notice he was still standing in the same spot. HIS black fur rustled in the breeze as he started walking again he,heard a howl as he looked up he saw howler run to him.He run to meet his son.still breathing heard he said,Hello Son how are you?It's good to see you again(.OCC) sorry I have brain block.
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Post by Fezzlynn on Jan 4, 2008 19:47:59 GMT -5
You're forgetting spaces ;o
You mean: "...he smiled"
And the doesn't make sense: "...he smile to himself of all the times that they had all done."
You mean all the times they had? Not had done? ;o
Maybe rephrase that to this: "He remembered the lost pup in the woods sadly, as if it happened yesterday."
You accidently forgot to take off the e and add ed to the end of notice. Also, try to put until instead of till.
That's a run-on sentence. And you have to add an and. Here's an example of fixing that up:
Moon's black fur rustled in the softly blowing wind as he began walking again. His ears shot up quickly as a familiar howl sounded. His tail shot up in joy, his eyes gleaming brightly, as the recognizable shape of Night Howler running toward him."
1. Run is in the future. Like: I have to run the mile."
You should put ran instead, which is past, but makes sense in the present if telling a story. Like: I ran the mile yesterday"
Running is like someone's talking. Like: "Shut up! I'm running the mile!"
Capitalization! ;o
Also, either use ""'s when speaking, or bold. Don't forget to space, too. And punctuation.Howler barked happily, his ears back in excitment. Eyes gleaming, and tai lwagging, he touched noses with his father. It's good to see YOU! he whimpered. He sat down, his tail beating the ground and making thumping noises. I''ve been good! So have the pups, he said, ready to burst with pride. You know they're four moons today? When they're six moons, I'm going to be bringing th- hebroke off as a new voice sounded behind him. now, yes,Tabby was followed by two small pups who both looked just like their father. They looked up at the big black wolf uncertainly, but didn't say anything. Tabby was looking at the black male with a little more curiousity, and nodded when Night whispered in her ear, That's Moon, my adopted father. Tabby looked down at the pups, still looking at Moon, but now with curiousity. Hello, Moon, my name is Tabby, she greeted.
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And second, you need a space.